| Im happy today.... been happy for sometime now... and not ecstasic bipolar disorder happy... just nice ... at peace.... of course today I had an overdose of gilmore girls of all things and consequently ive been real rubbish real fast till R is almost exasperated .... hehe but it was fun.... and im doing it again.... nevermind.... Im writing ... because its itching... after a really really long time .... for absolutely no reason... i feel like cutting.... pata nahi... i dont miss that world .....i dont miss any of it.... i dont regret it .... i dont anything ... just feel like ive abandoned someone something.... |
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| Im angry. Im angry because I miss him. And I want him here with me and I dont understand why I cant have him.....I dont want to study, I dont want to write articles, i dont want to be writing this xanga page. ....I just want to be with him....like Im breathing that simply....i want him here right now....in this minute....with me ....simply because I want to....once without having to account for every second i spend with him, for feeling like im stealing time stealing moments that i spend with him....like its reward earned for something ive done...i want to be with him...i dont want to have to answer to anybdy for it....not even to me.... You asked me what im thinking .....and i say nothing...and i hope once when i say it,it will be true...because today its not....Im thinking him sitting....im thinking him talking....Im thinking him breathing....Im thinking him thinking..and Im thinking someday..... |
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| Its singularly unbelievable how much Ive changed this year.....i dont recognize me anymore....not just how i act and what i do...but what i think and thats the scariest of all....You know 20 is a pretty decent age to figure out what kind of a person you would be right??? but im still wondering....im still so lost....i moralise about the stupidest things but....others....i dont see wrong in what is supposed to be wrong...not just bcoz someone is saying that it is but bcoz .....GOD ....i know what it does to people.... this feeling ....and im beggining to understand it.....and its freaky....i mean they did the exact same thing that he is doing now ...it was wrong then and its not now....it feels sooo...right....what felt...feels unforgiven is nothing to forgive with him..... worse is ive changed him...without trying to without wanting to....he's not the guy i started going out with and im not the same either....so does it make all this a lie??? and yet he's the one constant..... Till that day i thought i knew it all....not like a snob more like a cynic...and yet for the first since so so long ive felt.....inocent....and i dont know what i am ...i dont get the choices im making ....i dont understand anything... I am betraying so much .... and it doesnt feel like betrayal...and ive never been happier...ive never been more.....living.... |
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| I AM a girl....Im sorry i dont mean that as a new revelation....just making a statement ...like saying its sunny outside....it IS sunny outside and I AM a girl....so why does it get to me so much whensomeone says that I am actingg like a girl....funny huh....you thnk id be mad coz they say acting...nope...im mad coz they say girl....bdah...talk about complexes....this is silly and its really really funny...having a boyfriend automatically makes you- act like a girl..... Laughing... |
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| What the fuck is wrong with me??????? I pick now to act like girl.....just perfect...but this..... the irony is somhow kiling....bah stand where i stand.... and that guy you see..... now tell me what to do...... |
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